For One Democratic State
in the whole of Palestine (Israel)


FOR One Man, One Vote



These guys are always purple in the face because of indignation – or is it constipation?

Foxman, or Constipation

By Israel Shamir and Paul Bennet


Every second headline with the word “Jews” in it also has the word “Outrage”. In 0.27 seconds the Google search engine discovered 8,230,000 hits for the search term “outraged Jews”, as if there are fifty outraged Jews for every outraged Frenchman. The reasons for the Jewish outrage are all over the globe, although the French tend to be outraged closer to home. A Frenchman was outraged because of a photo of a man wiping his butt by the flag of France, while a Jew is outraged after a Vatican priest compared Church troubles with the patented Jewish variety. The sheer number of outraged Jews in headlines is overwhelming. They express outrage over the Turk who said “fuck you” to Israeli polite demands of surrender, and the reporters jot down every word. They cry “outrageous!” when New Zealand bans kosher slaughter, and it becomes archived as an important article on the Mind & Soul of Judaism. A Croat singer tours the outback and the Australian press holds its breath for the inevitable conclusion: Jewish Outrage.

What is it this week? Helen Thomas.


What’s so unique about the “outrageous” remarks uttered by the long time White House correspondent? It was the very same week that Jewish Knesset members have told the Palestinian Knesset member from Nazareth to “go back to Gaza”, and she was granted no outraged headline, no outraged editorials. It’s a rare bird who hasn’t been told at some point in their lives to “go back” to wherever he or she came from. It is an unpleasant comment to hear, but as insults go it’s pretty weak stuff – hardly something to get “outraged” about. Our friends and colleagues in the media have minutely analyzed Helen Thomas’ off-the-cuff comments and history for evidence of Anti-Semitism, but it was so obviously the type of trivial one-liner that normal people would brush off without thinking twice that the whole “outrageous” manufactured incident has turned into a bit of a joke. Is there reason within the madness of organized Jewish outrage, a powerhouse that has forced even President Obama to get involved? Might not this unique Jewish ability to become outraged be connected with that other Jewish ability, of becoming rich?


Perhaps we are over solicitous to Jewish needs. Perhaps we misread their cries. Indeed, their purple faces might not indicate indignation – it might just be acute constipation. Such discomfort would only make sense, considering how anxious the life of a common swindler is. For example, a typical outraged Jew is Mortimer Zuckerman, a billionaire and media mogul whose ferocious outbursts of rage are featured in his own newspapers, as well as in the newspapers of his cronies. He made his money by real estate speculation; his Harvard tricks contributed to the housing crisis that has made many Americans homeless; since then he has moved on to making Palestinians homeless.


Or consider the super-banksters Goldman Sachs, major supporters of ADL-coordinated spasms of outrage, vengeance, and indignation. Guy Rolnik, editor-in-chief of the leading Israeli financial paper The Marker wrote about these rich Jews (29.4.2010):


“Like Shakespeare’s traitors Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Goldman Sachs is a fortress of smoke and mirrors, of deception and illusion. Goldman’s managers enter top levels of the US Administration … a huge octopus that was the model for the Hollywood image of a Corporation that embraces and penetrates all levels of government in conspiracy movies… The company was established by two Jews from Germany, and a huge majority of its managers in the past and in the present are and were good and surely wealthy Jews. This is to be regretted, for I suspect that one day, when somebody will list stars and players of the great financial disaster 2008’ he will end up with  a catalogue strikingly similar to the big Manhattan synagogue contributors’ register, - or to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion...”


Such Jews are so rich they hire lesser men like Abe Foxman to express outrage for them. And that he does, like clockwork: not a single day passes without being graced by Foxman’s indignation. Did these prominent Jews enrich themselves just because they are smart, or can we detect a deeper-seated reason? The Jewish genius Dr. Sigmund Freud associated such financial prowess with an early reluctance to part with feces. In other words, are these rich Jews simply full of shit?


Indeed there are exceptions. There are generous Jews who easily part with dough and share their loot freely. They dig deep to support the Palestinian cause and other good causes. Nobody listens to their indignation if any. And there are guys like me who are just not good at being outraged, though sometimes one should.


When the Jews were poor, in the beginning of 20th century, they never expressed outrage; rather, they salved their misfortunes with a unique sense of humour. Even a severely beaten, nay, dying Jew would reply to a question whether it hurts with the standard “only when I laugh”. Too much money had spoiled them: they became prone to indignation – and constipation. Money, like food, should come and go, easy and free. Do not accumulate it – and avoid even righteous indignation, it is not healthy.


The Talmud tells the story of R. Judah b. Ila’I, who was always purple in the face. A wise woman from Rome declared that a purple face is a sure sign that the man is either a usurer or a pig breeder. He replied to her: “there are 24 toilets between home and my place of study and I try each one along the way.” That Roman lady understood that the habits of a man will inevitably register on his face. The ADL, charged with creating professionally-outraged, purple-faced Jews, might be considered a sort of pig farm financed by usurers.


Now that we have discovered this simple physiological explanation for the continuous stream of Jewish indignation, we no longer have to pay it so much attention. The next time Abe Foxman waxes indignant over Helen Thomas’ sharp tongue or (God Forbid) accuses you of Anti-Semitism, we might just take him aside and ask him quietly: have you tried an enema for that?