Our witty
friend
Satya Sagar
proposes to
privatise the Indian
Parliament, as their
MPs take bribes
anyway. His
suggestion is valid
for many other
countries, as
well...
Privatise the Indian
Parliament!
Satya Sagar
Earlier this month a
television news
channel exposed,
using hidden
cameras, how Indian
politicians across
several mainstream
parties take money
to raise questions
in Parliament.
While the event has
evoked a predictable
public chorus of
‘shame, shame’ and
pious pronouncements
on the decline in
standards of our
politicians all this
in my opinion is
missing the point
completely. These
allegedly ‘corrupt’
Members of
Parliament (MPs)
need to be
congratulated not
condemned for their
behaviour.
Before any of you go
ballistic, let me
explain why.
First of all, in a
Parliament where a
significant number
of members have
criminal records or
are closely
associated with
crime the act of a
few MPs accepting
money in a peaceful
and non-violent
manner is in fact a
sign of hope.
It shows that
despite the
pollution of our
national cultural
values by foreign
channels like AXN
and Fashion TV even
today Gandhi- (the
Mahatma, not Sonia)-
wields influence on
at least some of our
leaders. After all
the same MPs could
have been out
somewhere extorting
money at the point
of a gun from
someone. (Would that
have been all right
for the TV fellows
with their silly
secret cameras?
Hmmm!)
Secondly, by
agreeing to raise
questions in
Parliament the
honorable MPs
demonstrated that
there are still some
elected
representatives left
in our country who
are willing to work
for their money. How
many MPs do you know
from whom a client,
customer or citizen
can get any work
done or service
performed even after
paying hard cash?
And also think of it
- how much easier it
would have been for
these MPs, being
martyred by the
media now, to have
taken the money and
then paid someone
else to raise the
questions. Wouldn’t
that have been even
worse, being
outright cheating
and complete
dereliction of duty?
By taking up direct
responsibility for
asking the pre-paid
questions (the
post-paid option is
still in the works)
in parliament the
MPs have in fact set
a shining example of
personalized
customer service
that puts much of
the Indian private
sector- particularly
telecom companies-
to shame.
But well beyond
demonstrating the
power of Gandhian
thought and the
ancient Indian work
ethic what these
eleven MPs have done
is pioneered a
concept that has
deep implications
for the future of
electoral
democracies all over
the globe. They have
taken the first
steps towards
implementing the
amazing idea of
Privatizing the
Parliament!
Imagine the future!
You want a question
asked in Parliament?
No problem- you will
be able to book your
favorite MP over the
Internet with the
mere swipe of a
credit card! (at
www.cashforquestions.com
or something like
that).
There will be
competition for this
market of course so
you can look forward
to deep discounts
from rival MPs who
might offer two
questions for the
price of one. If you
don’t have a second
question to ask they
will provide
management graduates
to invent them for
you. How thoughtful!
Forget about mere
questions- you want
a law introduced or
amended? No problem
again-they will
introduce, reduce,
bend, amend any law
you want and have it
freely delivered to
your doorstep!
The list of
potential benefits
of Privatizing the
Parliament is quite
long but one
possibility that is
particularly
exciting to me is
that of outsourcing
the talents of our
MPs to other
countries that want
their Parliaments to
look like a reality
TV show. (The term
BPO can then become
‘Bharatiya
Politician
Overseas’)
Think of it! Indian
MPs disrupting
proceedings in
parliaments all over
the world, turning
serious debates into
shouting matches,
throwing mikes at
fellow members with
great accuracy. I
bet they are capable
of introducing an
entire range of
innovations that
will make the
British rue the day
they conjured up the
idea of
parliamentary
democracy. (Aha! The
colonized shall
finally have their
revenge against the
colonizers!)
There are no doubts
at all in my mind
also about the
comparative
advantages our MPs
have over
competitors from
other countries.
To begin with the
average Indian MP is
not any other
garden-variety,
developing country
parliamentarian –
but one coming from
the world’s largest
democracy. That
means there are more
of them for overseas
buyers to choose
from. In fact they
probably form the
world’s largest pool
of political
manpower- whose
export out of
India would
help our country
make great progress.
Secondly, they are
thoroughly familiar
with the institution
of parliament-
having tried to
enter it for years
through all means
possible and once
inside – fought
tooth and nail to
hang on. Our biggest
global competitors –
China and
Pakistan -
either don’t have
parliaments at all
or have
pseudo-parliaments
run by decree by the
military. They just
don’t stand a chance
against our fellows.
Thirdly the Indian
MP is available
cheap by any
international
standards. (Man, are
they a bargain or
what!) I don’t
really know the
latest figures but a
few years ago when
Enron was buying up
Indian politicians
to back their scam
power project near
Mumbai the going
rate was just a few
thousand dollars
each. In fact, you
don't even have to
pay them in dollars,
Indian rupees will
do. (But mind you-
no soiled notes
please - our MPs
don't accept dirty
money.)
Fourthly, they are
all willing to work
on the night shift
to take advantage of
the time difference
between India
and developed
countries in North
America and
Europe. Working in the night comes easily to our MPs, many of whom
are from
occupational
backgrounds where
darkness was an
essential
precondition for
carrying out their
professional tasks.
I can go on and on
about this but I can
already hear some
very important
questions coming up.
If you privatize
parliament then what
is left of the idea
of ‘one man, one
vote’ and the very
concept of electoral
representative
democracy? Does it
not become ‘one
dollar, two votes’
or whatever the
conversion rate may
be?
Indeed, if money can
buy our MPs then why
bother to have an
elected government
at all? Why not do
an IPO and sell the
damn institution to
any multinational,
hedge fund or global
bank willing to pay
the premiums? Why
have a Prime
Minister and a
cabinet full of
pompous ministers
when you can get a
smart, highly paid
CEO and a board of
directors
accountable to none
but their
shareholders?
And will this mania
for privatizing
every public body
stop with even the
parliament or
government? Why not
privatize the armed
forces and the
police too- after
all these are huge
and highly
subsidized
institutions in
every country that
violate all the
rules of the WTO?
And while we are on
this privatisation
spree why not sell
the moon also to a
multinational- to
convert moonlight
into a moneymaking
venture?
You know what? All
these questions
above are not really
questions at all but
frightening
descriptions of
where our dear
country and the
globe are really
headed for. Even on
a noisy day I can
hear the future
wheezing and
sputtering with her
privatized lungs.
Satya Sagar is a
journalist, writer,
video maker from
India based in
Thailand. He
can be reached at
sagarnama@...